Coffin Drop Ep 1 - "Bonjour"

Coffin Drop Ep 1 – “Bonjour”

[An old-timey film reel]

T.
[ala a radio announcer] The year is 1943. Europe is at war.

[The drone of a military airplane]

T.
A high altitude bomber drones across a pale full moon. Within its cavernous belly, illuminated by a dull, red light, Commander Slate sits with one leg crossed over the other, her eyes fixed to a pocket watch as she daintily sips a Pimm’s Cup. She appears to be exceptionally young, given the gravity of her post. She looks as though she could easily be on a croquet green, not hurtling through the air in an overblown sardine can, kilometers above the Earth’s surface.

You’re familiar with her as the leader of F.A.N.G., the Allies’ most top secret military unit.

Six months ago, Hitler’s obsession with the occult inspired the boys back home to funnel resources into a unit for aristocratic witches, gun nut ghouls, haggard ghasts, and crypt-dwelling monstrosities. Namely, you.

The second hand of her watch marches merrily in its circle, and all at once she snaps it closed, drains the rest of her beverage, stands, and looks at the ceiling above her. Four reinforced steel boxes hang from the roof. From behind bullet-proof glass in the lids, four pairs of eyes stare forth with fierce determination. Your eyes.

Commander Slate (T.)
Righty-o. You all come from different backgrounds, but you have all been chosen for what you have in common. You are vampires. You’re medically dead. You’re tougher, stronger, and faster than mortals. You drink blood. And you can’t handle direct sunlight.

This is our final move. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: it’s hot as hell down there. Once you arrive, you’ll be positively swarmed with all manner of Nazi scum until this is done and dusted. They’ll send squad after squad of soldiers, and more dangerous things besides. But we have the utmost confidence that you’ll be able to tear through almost any opposition with brutal efficiency. Especially because, should you fail… Well, we’re all pretty damn well fucked. And Gay Paree won’t be the only jewel in Hitler’s tiara.

T.
She crosses to a large lever mounted near the front of the bomber.

Commander Slate (T.)
You’re currently 13,666 meters in the air above the B17 flying fortress “Stoker”. The vessels you occupy are made of reinforced steel boxes equipped with pneumatic shock absorption, and pressurized cylinders made of premium, high-quality nun’s blood, donated by the girls of Our Lady of Perpetual Ruin.

Moments from now, your tactical drop coffins will plummet to the target on the ground below in Sector 3. You’ll be reduced to a mangled paste of gristle and bone. AT this point, the cylinders will release, healing you within seconds. After that, it’s a simple matter of kicking open the lid and replenishing your blood supply on whatever fascist happen to be nearby. Your generation process will leave you completely depleted, so… bottoms up.

From there, you’ll need to find cover, and make your way to your target. Ending the war in this manner is efficient and precise, but it’s also brutal and messy. There’s bound to be collateral damage, but rest assured, what we aim to accomplish here is drop of mustard compared to what the Americans have planned for the Pacific.

Over the last few weeks, all children and domesticated animals have been evacuated by French guerilla fighters on the ground.

T.
She throws the lever, and the hatch opens. The lights of the city of Paris, the City of Lights, blink beneath you.

Commander Slate (T.)
Your objective is simple: drink of all of Hitler’s blood. Not some of it. Not most of it. All of it. Good luck, and Devil’s speed.

T.
She salutes the drop coffins, and hits another level. The locks keeping your drop coffins in place unclasp, and you plummet from the plane toward Gay Paree.

[Coffin Drop theme]

T.
Hello everyone, and welcome to Kitten Marlowe presents: Coffin Drop. I’m T. Wade, and I’ll be your game master for the next few sessions, as we cut a bloody swath through Nazi-occupied Paris to get to the top of Hitler’s zeppelin and drink all his blood. But I won’t be drinking all of Hitler’s blood. That is going to be accomplished by all of you. Go ahead and introduce yourselves for the audience.

Kim
Hi everyone. I’m Kim Dalton, she/her. I’m the co-founder and producer of Kitten Marlowe, and I’m very excited to be a player, here! Rolling dice? I haven’t done that in a solid year.

Beverlee
Hi! I’m Beverlee Jean, she/her, and I’ll be playing today! I’m ready to eat the Reich!

Cameron
I’m Cameron Rose. My pronouns are he/they. I will be playing today. I am also very excited to eat the Reich!

Omar
Hi everyone! I’m Omar Najam, pronouns he/any, and… God, I freaking hate Nazis. [Laughs]

T.
[Laughs]

Omar
So I’m very ready to rip out some throats of the Reich right now.

Kim
We all have that in common.

T.
For the record, I as well hate the Nazis. But I will be playing them.

Omar
[Laughs]

T.
Yeah. We’re going to be playing a game called Eat the Reich by Grant Howitt. I thought it would be a good time for us to have a little cartoon violence against fascists. Seems like the perfect day and age, even if it’s 80 years after the setting of our story…

[Clicks tongue and sighs] Weary sigh…

[Everyone laughs]

T.
And, for the record, my pronouns are they/them.

Beverlee
Write that down.

T.
Due to the nature of this story, there are some content warnings that are going to be inherent. But more specific, per episode, will be detailed in the episode description below. But you can expect… Drinking human blood, consuming human flesh, invading a foreign country for the purposes of political assassination, violence against fascists, the occult, blood and gore, joy and violence, destruction of property, and inter-European condescension, to name a few.

[Accordion music. The quiet hum of a bustling city]

T.
On the ground below, a busker plays the accordion in a town square where the cobbles were laid before the US Constitution was even written. A mime puts herself in an invisible box, and a young woman barters with a baker for a baguette. A man in a linen suit and ascot reads the paper, sipping coffee between drags of cigarettes at outdoor tables. Shop windows display brands loyal to the German regime. And nearby, a Metro station beckons commuting citizens below the ground, and spills them forth into the shopping district. Respendant in the center is a fountain, with a statue of a mermaid bathing herself in spouting water.

As a pair of German police patrols clink their afternoon Coca-Cola’s – sorry, Fantas – together…

Kim
[Laughs]

[Drone braam. Ominous ambience]

T.
[Imitates something zooming through the air, then an explosion]

Your coffins hit the plaza, and send up a shower of rubble and brick. The stunned onlookers try to peer through the dust as a chorus of… [Hissing sounds] …sounds from within. The young woman pays the baker full price for the baguette, kisses him on the cheek, mounts her bike, and rides away as the police take out their arms and advance slowly toward the cloud of dust.

As they edge toward the debris, Beverlee, describe what jumps out at them.

Beverlee
As this coffin… [Hissing sound] splits in the middle. Stepping out, her foot forming as she does, is Nicole. A short, like 5’3” person with brown curly hair, cropped short around her face. Hard brown eyes, and three flecks of a scar on her face from shrapnel she refuses to heal. Pops out in a black bomber jacket, shouldering a submachine gun. And says…

Nicole (Beverlee)
[In a gruff voice] Bonjour.

[Kim and T. laugh]

Beverlee
And cocks it.

T.
You… [Laughs] Cock that submachine gun. Immediately, the police patrol opens fire on you, but the bullets pass harmlessly through you, as you are not a creature of living flesh. And you are currently empty of blood.

What would you like to do? Your objective: get out of the open, and into cover.

Beverlee
As I… [Imitates three bullet impacts] take those three hits, I wanna do a full on feral barrel roll in this cobblestone street, and duck behind the bench where this man was reading a newspaper and has since run away, and fire off this machine gun as I go.

T.
Roll Shoot.

The way turns of play work in Eat the Reich is there is no initiative or turn order predetermined by the dice. I will be going around a circle. On each of your turns, you describe what you are trying to do, and then pick a stat that is appropriate to that action. I will roll dice equal to the active threat’s attack rating against you. And then a 4 or above counts as a success, 6 counts as two success or you can use it to activate something called a Special. You are going to then apply your successes to the active objectives, or to the health of the threats, whittling them down until the objective is complete.

Beverlee
Sick. So I have a Shoot of 4, I’m gonna roll 4 dice.

T.
You invoked your submachine gun. Are you going to use it as equipment?

Beverlee
I do. So that adds another dice.

T.
Yep. And mark off one use of your submachine gun.

Beverlee
Would you consider this flanking?

T.
I wouldn’t, because there’ snot another enemy on their other side. You are the person coming out first, so there’s really just the one point of focus.

Kim
We’re all still goo right now.

Beverlee
[Laughs] Everybody’s goop but me.

[Kim and Omar laugh]

Beverlee
I’m always eager. Always eager to get in there!

Okay. So I’m rolling 5 d6s.

T.
I’m rolling two.

Beverlee
Okay, I got two successes.

T.
As did I.

Beverlee
[Gasps]

T.
I got a 4 and a 6, but a 6 is not a crit for me. It’s just one success. So if you do not allocate both of your successes to defense, you will take damage. You would be rolling on the injury table twice.

Omar
Ooh…

Beverlee
Copy.

Then I think I do defense. I think there’s too many guys, and I’m the one guy out here. And so as I’m running, I aim the rifle at them, but then I see how many there are. And I just start laying down fire and sort of running behind this bench, as I dive on the other side.

T.
Absolutely. You get into that table, slip up behind the newspaper and put it up in front of your face. And then [Imitates bullet] right through the headline, a Nazi bullet pierces the paper. You flick it down, and it’s just stuck right at your eyebrow. You cock an eyebrow and it pings out, harmlessly.

Nicole (Beverlee)
Uh, I could use a little help out here!

T.
At that, Cameron. What joins the fray?

Cameron
As my coffin bursts open, Flint has already arranged himself hanging upside down from the roof of it, wings folded. A giant, muscular bat creature. About 8 feet tall, huge wingspan. Looks out at the gathered soldiers and says…

Flint (Cameron)
[Erudite, with a British accent] Oh, Nazis… Well, normally I find your putrid ideology ruins your taste. But, who am I to deny a feast?

Cameron
And then leaps straight at them. A gliding leap, wings out, to rip them up.

T.
Alright. So are you gonna try and tear them apart with your bare hands?

Cameron
Oh yeah.

T.
That is a Brawl roll, please.

Cameron
[Rolls dice] that’s two 6s.

T.
I also got two 6s. But, here’s the difference. That’s two successes for me, that’s four successes for you. Unless you’d like to activate a Special.

Cameron
I would like to activate my Special: Ravenous, where I gain 3 Blood. So I’m just gonna jump to the closest guy, completely tear his jaw off, and start biting down onto the exposed parts of this throat.

T.
Phe-nomenal. Blood gushes into your mouth, soaking your fangs and rolling down your throat. As their bullets harmlessly deflect off of your hide. So add 3 Blood to your meter.

Blood is the resource that you use to activate your abilities. Think of it like mana or spell slots.

As you tear into this soldier, tasting the Fanta as the sucrose caramelizes in its blood… Kim, please describe who else emerges from this cloud of dust and debris.

Kim
The first thing we see is a impossibly chic pair of 5 inch stiletto heels stepping out of this coffin. A very pale woman, with long white hair. Wearing the slinkiest, skimpiest black evening gown you’ve ever seen, but with a rife on her back and a saber on her hip, emerges from the coffin.

The first thing I’m going to do is smoke a cigarette out of my long cigarette holder.

T.
Incredible.

Kim
Thus, gaining two Blood.

Omar
[Laughs]

Kim
Because they were taken from the pockets of hanged men.

Omar
Ooh…

T.
Mmhmm, mmhmm…

Kim
And then Iryna has a family signet ring on her pinky finger, and I’m going to scrape it against the side of my coffin.

[A ping from a tuning fork]

Kim
It makes a very loud, ringing sound.

[The ping mixes with the screech and flutter of bats]

Kim
And then that ringing sound is echoed by the chatter and screech of bats.

Iryna (Kim)
[With a Russian accent] Children. Clear the area. Fly, my babies.

Kim
And then just bats descend upon this plaza. I’m going to try to intimidate everyone to get the fuck out of here, so that we can find cover.

T.
Hell yes. So go ahead and roll Terrify, add the cigarettes taken from the pockets of the hanged men, and gain 2 Blood.

Kim
Fantastic. And invoking my bats did cost 1 Blood. You see what I did there?

T.
I do. You did that. You got the resource, spent the resource.

Kim
Yup. [Rolls dice]

T.
Now we’re cooking with stormtroopers. Got a 2 and a 1.

Kim
That is one success, and one crit.

T.
Phenomenal. You have three dice to allocate to either the threats or the objectives.

Kim
I’m gonna put all three successes towards advancing the objective.

T.
Fantastic.

As this cloud of bats spreads out over Paris, it creates a cloud, blotting out what little of dusk still remains. And in the darkness and terror of the miasma, the police patrol is distracted, and you buy cover for your comrades to advance.

Though the last, not the least. Omar, who’s the last to engage in this bloody battle?

Omar
As the coffin hits the ground and smashes, body parts scatter along the cobblestone as a heaving mass in a large heavy coat gets to his feet, and starts to pull, like, pieces of arm together, as the healing gas is kicking in. And you follow just the pair of boots as like bits of flesh are getting picked up and slapped back on, as a gravely voice calls out…

Chuck (Omar)
[A Southern cowboy] Well, well, well… So this is Gay Paree, huh?

Omar
As Chuck, the vampire cowboy, glances around and the leans down and picks up his hat and dusts it off, and puts it on, watching one of the Nazi police just, like, running away. And he clicks his tongue..

Chuck (Omar)
Nope, no, no… [Laughs] No, you ain’t going nowhere. You ain’t showed me the sights, yet!

Omar
And he will pull out his two revolvers, Betsy and Maria…

Kim
[Laughs]

Omar
And start firing away.

T.
Fantastic. Go ahead and roll with Shoot.

Omar
Alright, here we go. My Shoot is 3, I’m using Betsy and Maria, which gives me an additional, so… [Rolls dice]

I got a 1, which actually with my Corpse Eater ability, gives me a drop of Blood. So I’m gonna go ahead and mark that, which is very exciting. And otherwise, I got two successes.

T.
Phenomenal. I got zero, so apply those as you see fit.

Omar
Okay, great. Chuck loads up Betsy and Maria and bam! Betsy goes off and takes down one of the Nazis. Bam! Maria goes off, takes down the other Nazi. And Chuck locks eyes with the third one, and goes…

Chuck (Omar)
Now, obviously I’m gonna need someone to spread the message and tell everyone we’re here, so… Why don’t you go ahead and scurry off? Go and tell all your, uh, whatever you call them. Generals, out there. Her… Master… Whatever silly word you’ve got.. [Laughs] Crazy German, you’re speaking. Why don’t you go and tell them?

Omar
And as the Nazi turns and starts to run, Chuck goes…

Chuck (Omar)
Wait, no, hold on. We’re supposed to be… Nah, I’m sorry. Hey, fella. I’m sorry about that. This is a sneaky mission.

Omar
Bam! Third shot goes off.

T.
Incredible. The Nazis that were enjoying their brief respite fall to the ground, pools of blood spilling out to join the leaking fountain that continues to gush the worst tap water in the history of Europe into the cobbles.

Another squad car, police siren going off, tears into the plaza, blocking off all exits. Your only viable exit, either into the shops or the Metro tunnel.

Kim
I think we should do the Metro tunnel. [Chuckles]

Beverlee
What if I need an outfit, though? [Laughs]

Iryna (Kim)
Darling, I brought extras.

Beverlee
Oh!

Nicole (Beverlee)
Sharing clothes already?

[Kim and Omar laugh]

T.
A second police patrol has come, and more Nazis cascade out of it like a clown car.

Alright, top of the pops. Nicole, that’s you.

Beverlee
There are Nazi bodies here. Can I drink them?

T.
Yeah!

Beverlee
[Laughs]

Omar
[Laughs]

Beverlee
No further explanation. Is that the turn? Or is that, like, a free action?

T.
No, that is one of your dice, if you get a success. You allocate that to getting blood.

Beverlee
Oh! Great.

T.
And that can be as you’re doing something else. You can be doing like a Terrify roll, grab one, suck its blood as other things are happening.

Beverlee
Great. I think I make eye contact with Flint and I eye towards the tunnel. And then I want to sneak using these bats as cover.

[Bats screech and flap their wings]

Beverlee
And actually, I’m gonna toss a smoke grenade into the fray, and start sneak-running towards that Metro station.

T.
Go ahead and roll Sneak.

Beverlee
Okay. I got three failures, but two crits/extra special 6s.

T.
Phenomenal! I got nothing.

Beverlee
Great. I’m gonna use two of those to advance the objective. So the smoke + bats, their wings start whipping this smoke even further out. So it starts spreading. And I pass by the bloodied corpse of this Nazi, and I put my foot down on his chest as I rip of the arm, and I say…

Nicole (Beverlee)
Gotta take it to go, sorry.

Beverlee
[Laughs] I start eating it as I’m running.

T.
Fantastic.

Kim
[Laughs]

Nicole (Beverlee)
Grab a doggy bag!

T.
Add 2 Blood, and we’ll apply two successes to the objective.

Flint.

Cameron
Seeing Nicole’s signal and hearing the car pull up, I would like to throw the body of the man I’m eating at the windshield of the car, to cause a distraction.

T.
I would call that Terrify. That’s the launching the heads into Minas Tirith. That is, like, I’m using the body of one of your friends to intimidate the shit out of you.

Cameron
Oh! And can I spend 1 Blood to make that an improvised projectile?

T.
Yeah!

Cameron
Fantastic! [Rolls dice] That’s gonna be another two 6s.

T.
Phenomenal.

Cameron
I think I’m gonna put all of that towards objective, by throwing the body at the windshield and just getting down, through the smoke, towards the Metro.

T.
This de-mandibled corpse [Woosh sound] flies through the air. The police patrol, in terror, trains all their fire on it. And as it splatters blood all over them, they look around, and you have vanished below the streets.

[The echo of a Metro tunnel]

T.
Posters line the walls of the station, advertising cultural attractions to the inhabitants of Paris. The amusements and illuminations of [French accent] Jardin de Feé. New exhibits at the [More obnoxious French accent] Museum of European Warfare.

Kim
[Laughs]

T.
And an upcoming [French accent] Wagner opera to the concert hall.

None of the trains are currently running, but the Metro makes for an excellent means of slipping deeper into the city, undetected. Miles upon miles of rail tunnels, maintenance shafts, and public stations allow for access to almost anywhere in the city. In fact, if you could get a train up and running? Might be able to speed beneath the streets.

Either way, your objective is: cut through the Metro tunnels.

Chuck (Omar)
Well maybe if we do this quick enough, we can check out one of these Wagner concerts.

Omar
As Chuck gestures over to one of the posters.

Chuck (Omar)
Well, how was everyone else’s drop?

Nicole (Beverlee)
Thrilling! There’s nothing better than picking up the pieces of your own life from the floor.

Chuck (Omar)
Beautiful philosophy.

Flint (Cameron)
Hmm… Jolting, I would say. A bit of a shock to the system.

Chuck (Omar)
Yeah… Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense.

Iryna (Kim)
It was lovely. I slept like baby.

Chuck (Omar)
Wow, alright. Well look at us… Look at us, on vacation right now. I mean, obviously we’re working. But, you know… [Laughs] This is pretty cool. This is pretty fun. So, um… Anyone here happen to know the train systems real well here in France?

Flint (Kim)
No… Cave systems, I’ve spent quite a bit of time in. But nothing like this.

Iryna (Kim)
Darling, I never take the subway.

Omar
[Laughs]

T.
Chuck, it is you in the turn order. What would you like to do?

Chuck (Omar)
Well, shoot. As much as I like the idea of going from crevice to crevasse, perhaps we can try to take one of these trains. I happen to have a little bit of tinkering know-how when it comes to train stuff like that.

T.
Alright. Go ahead and give me a Fix roll, please.

Omar
Alright. My Fix is 4. Here we go…

[Rolls dice] I got two crits!

Kim
[Gasps]

Omar
And one success.

T.
That is enough to get a train up and running.

Beverlee
[Gasps]

Omar
As Chuck, like, wanders up to the train and spits in his hands and rubs them together, he flashes back to one of his lives…

[Flashback harp music]

[A desert. Wind blows. Insects chirp]

Omar
…As someone who was working on the 19th century train lines that were being laid out to the West. Because Chuck is actually an amalgamation of a couple people from like post-Bellum South, that was taken in…

T.
Oh, not the character inspiration. Physically?

Omar
Physically, yes. A little bit of a Southern Frankenstein’s Monster. And before we get, you know, more of that flashback…

[Flashback harp music]

[The echo of a Metro tunnel]

Chuck (Omar)
No! No, not gonna get lost in memories right now. [Laughs] No. Chuck is gonna get a train moving! So let’s go!

Omar
Claps his hands, and gets to work.

T.
You pop open the hood. The… The hood.

Kim
The hood!

[Everyone laughs]

T.
You pop open the hood of this train.

Chuck (Omar)
Whatcha working with? What kind of engine is this? A Ford Ferrari? What is it? What are we doing here?

T.
Applying a little bit of elbow grease, and, uh… what is it called when you just hit something to make it work?

Omar
A Fonzie?

T.
A Fonzie, yeah. Slam the hood shut, and the train… [Imitates engine] Thrums to life.

Chuck (Omar)
I mean, it’s no American engineering.

T.
[Laughs]

Chuck (Omar)
This is definitely a European design, but… Little bit of hard work, little bit of dedication, a belief in democracy… This thing’s up and running. So, uh, who wants to hop on in on what I’m gonna call the Liberty Express?

[Everyone laughs]

Kim
As long as you’re driving.

Beverlee
Nicole puts out her hand to help Iryna into the car.

Iryna (Kim)
And I thought chivalry was dead.

Beverlee
She gives a deep bow.

Nicole (Beverlee)
It is.

[Everyone laughs]

[T. claps]

[A train chugs through the tunnels]

T.
Incredible. Incroyable. You all board the train. Next stop: Liberty. And it [Imitates train] tears off through the underground tunnels. AS it’s going, another sound is added to the chugging of the engine…

[The hum of motorcycles]

T.
You hear a drone. As it gets closer, you realize… [Imitates motorcycle] You are being pursued by a Nazi motorcycle squad.

Iryna.

Kim
I’m going to take the butt of my hunting rifle and smash the window of this subway car. And then I’m going to crawl on top of the subway car, and lay down on it, and then use my hunting rifle to start picking off these Nazi motorcyclists.

T.
Fantastic. Go ahead and roll Shoot.

Kim
And one could say I’m doing it from an elevated position, so I do get an extra die.

T.
Would absolutely consider it an elevated position.

Kim
[Rolls dice] I only have one success.

T.
I got three.

Kim
[Gasps]

T.
Training wheels are coming off, kids. We’re out of the tutorial.

Kim
Oh, man…

T.
So you’re taking at least two damage.

Kim
Yeah… Unless…

T.
Unless?

Kim
I invoke a flashback.

T.
That’s true.

Kim
Yeah, why not?

T.
Alright. As the gathering momentum of this train whips your beautiful gown back and forth in the tunnels, you take aim, focusing in on this Nazi motorcycle squad, and remember what brought you here in the first place. Where do we see you?

[The howl of wind and ice]

Kim
We are in a Gothic castle, standing alone amidst the Russian tundra. And I am kneeling amongst the bodies of my dead, slaughtered vampire clan, who were torn apart by Nazis.

T.
The salt of tears mingles with the iron of blood pooling on the floor as you look around at all the devastation, the only family that you have known these past centuries. But your mourning is interrupted by the click of heels on this tile.

Commander Slate (T.)
Well… Bit of a mess in here, isn’t it?

Kim
I draw my saber, which bears my family crest on it, and hold it at this intruder.

T.
You see a young woman, who we now know as Commander Slate. At the time, in a thick fur coat and Ruskey hat.

Commander Slate (T.)
Now, now, now. I don’t come in their sway. Something tells me that you are accustomed to serving dishes cold.

Iryna (Kim)
I would do anything to avenge my family.

Commander Slate (T.)
Well then let’s get you out of this Siberian icebox and into something a little bit more… comfortable.

Iryna (Kim)
Who are you?

Commander Slate (T.)
My name is Commander Slate. I represent a certain faction of the Allied forces. You’re aware, even in this remote locale, of the growing war in the west?

Iryna (Kim)
Yes.

Commander Slate (T.)
It will eventually advance to march on you as well.

Iryna (Kim)
And your organization?

Commander Slate (T.)
F.A.N.G.

Iryna (Kim)
F.A.N.G… Your resources. Are you well provided for?

Commander Slate (T.)
[Sighs] Well, I will admit it has been a bit of a startup. We’ve had to cobble together as much as we can, recycling tins and the like, but… We’re still in the early stages. So far, all we’ve managed to afford is a plane ticket out here, I’m afraid.

Iryna (Kim)
Come. I will need someone to carry my bags.

Kim
And I stand, smooth my gown, and walk over to the treasure room, where we see stacks and stacks of treasure chests. And I start pulling out bags of gold and jewels and handing them to Slate.

Iryna (Kim)
I have found myself the sole beneficiary of quite the inheritance.

Commander Slate (T.)
And I do believe, so now has the British crown. Thank you for your patronage, Miss…

Iryna (Kim)
Iryna.

Commander Slate (T.)
Iryna. Well then, shall we?

T.
And she gestures out the door.

Iryna (Kim)
Let’s kill some Nazi fuckers.

T.
You push open the wide double doors of your estate, the wind howling outside, as Slate, less than gracefully, drags a very heavy bag, just…

Commander Slate (T.)
[Sounds of effort] Alright… Could have brought some doughboys, but very well…

T.
And follows you, trudging through the snow.

[The rumble of the train and the hum of motorcycles]

T.
As you [woosh sound] come back to the present moment, you are able to reroll.

Kim
Not only reroll! I add two more dice!

T.
Yes, you do.

Kim
Five successes, one crit.

T.
[Sputters] So, some threats have Specials as well. So if you want to allocate that crit to the threat, you will trigger an additional effect.

Kim
Oh! Okay. Well, we have to see what that does. So I will allocate my crit to activating that Special.

T.
So this Special is called Crash and Burn.

Kim
[Gasps]

T.
You inflict 3 damage to the motorcycle squad. And when they go down, they stay down.

Omar
Ooh!

Kim
Incredible. And then I’m going to allocate three of my dice towards defending, reducing your dice…

T.
To zero.

Kim
And then my last dice towards advancing the objective.

T.
Fantastic. As focus shifts back to the present moment, you breathed out of habit, more than necessity. Because you do not need to. And squeeze the trigger. The front wheel of the motorcycle [explosion sounds] disintegrates into shredded rubber. They flip ass over teakettle, the sidecar crashes against the side [crash sounds] sending sparks. And then those sparks hit the gas tank of the motorcycle and it explodes, causing another one to spin out of control and [explosion sounds] crash against the side of the wall.

And the force of the explosion pushes the train forward a little bit faster.

The remaining squad [motorcycle revs] uses it as a ramp and jumps over. And another [zooming sound] follows behind. They are still in pursuit, but you did a massive damage infliction onto them.

And I will also mention, because you got the train car up and running, there are not also two infantry squads.

Kim
Nice.

T.
We are back to Nicole.

Beverlee
Nicole pops her head out of the window Iryna just made.

Nicole (Beverlee)
Huh. Alright. Let’s get…a little three dimensional.

Beverlee
And bursts into shadows, spending 1 Blood.

Kim
Woah.

Omar
[Chuckles]

Beverlee
And reforms on the back of the middle motorcycle… [Laughs]

T.
Yeah!

Beverlee
And takes her cut down Lee Enfield rifle and wraps it around this guy’s neck and pulls on it.

T.
Hell yeah. Okay, go ahead and roll Brawl.

Beverlee
Well, I got one 6. So that’s good.

T.
I got two successes.

Beverlee
No! So… I can hurt him?

T.
You can hurt him. But you will be rolling at least once on the injury table.

Beverlee
At least once, right. I still want to… [Laughs]

I’m still gonna hurt him. So I roll on the injury table?

T.
Mmhmm.

Beverlee
Sick.

T.
So you’re soaking one, and then you’re doing 1 damage?

Beverlee
Yeah.

T.
Okay. So the way injuries work in Eat the Reich is every player has three sections. You roll a d6, and then whichever number you get allocates that to a section. And you mark the first in a tier, and then you mark the second in a tier.

Omar
I see! 1-2, 3-4, 5-6. Got it.

Beverlee
I rolled a 4, which is Just a Graze. In choking this guy out with this rifle, he leans back and snaps me with his elbow. And I take it to the face, but I hold tight.

Nazi motorcyclist
[Choking noises]

T.
Breath leaves his body, and you’re using his hands – almost like a Ratatouille with the rifle…

Kim
[Laughs]

T.
Continues to steer the motorcycle along, in pursuit of the train.

Omar
Like Black Widow in the Avengers.

Beverlee
[Laughs]

Omar
She stabs the Chitauri and is flying around.

T.
Absolutely. Flint?

Cameron
So there is at least one motorcycle pursuing without Nicole on it, correct?

T.
Yes. There is one directly behind it, and you can see the headlights of more down the tunnel.

Cameron
Great. And would you say that Flint is strong enough to rip out at least a piece of a seat from this train car?

T.
Yes. You can rip out a whole seat. You can rip out a section. You can rip off a door.

Omar
Jesus…

T.
You are a superhero.

Cameron
Excellent. I would like to rip out a seat, hold it over my head, and yell…

Flint (Cameron)
Be careful! These tracks are not really meant for motorcycles!

Cameron
And then throw it at the one behind Nicole.

Flint (Cameron)
There could be debris anywhere!

Kim
[Laughs]

T.
I would call that Shoot, maybe? You’re not up close and personal, so I wouldn’t say it’s Brawl.

Cameron
Great. I would like to then add my Improvised Projectile again…

T.
Great.

Cameron
[Rolls dice] That’s one success.

Kim
[Gasps]

T.
That is one success for me as well.

Cameron
Gosh, um… I’ll take the damage.

T.
Okay. The seat flies over an incoming bullet that gets through your hide, into your exposed underbelly. Go ahead and roll on the injuries table.

Cameron
That’s a 1, for Teeth Smashed. So it kind of like ricochets up off of my belly, and into my mouth.

Omar
[Shudders]

Kim
[Weary] Oh…

T.
[Shudders] So it goes into your belly, hits your spinal column, and then shoots…

Cameron
Yeah, back out the mouth.

T.
That motorist gets the shot off, just in time to see the seat… [zooming noises] careening. [Explosion sound] The seat explodes. The motorcycle explodes. The propulsion propels Nicole further forward, down the tunnel. And that is another damage to the motorcycle squad.

Chuck.

Omar
Chuck watches Flint masterfully throw an entire seat – an entire row – at the motorcycle, and is unbelievably impressed. But as it’s happening, I get sucked back into another body part memory… These are not flashbacks! These are just little flavors.

[Everyone laughs]

[Flashback harp music]

[A desert. Wind blows. Insects chirp]

Omar
And it’s standing out, looking out at, like, a railway being expanded into the southwest. And talking to another rail worker. And the rail worker’s like…

Rail Worker (Omar)
God damn, this is gonna, just… We’re just gonna keep expanding, and they’re just gonna keep taking land.

Omar
And the person that my arm came from, goes…

Righty (Omar)
You’re looking at it all wrong. It’s connecting people. It’s not domination. It’s putting us all together. And maybe that’s what they want, is to take the land. But if they’re just giving everyone access, you can’t stop all of us. I believe in people.

[Flashback harp music]

[The rumble of the train and the hum of motorcycles]

Omar
And I pull out of that, and Chuck goes…

Chuck (Omar)
God damn! What the hell is going on with me?

[Everyone laughs]

Chuck (Omar)
Truly, this country brings out something. [Laughs] Something in all of us, huh?

Omar
But from that, Chuck realizes the arm is tracing sort of like a train map. And he goes…

Chuck (Omar)
Oh, okay, arm. I think I get… I think I pick up what you’re putting down.

Omar
What I would like to do is look up ahead, see the cascade of motorcycles coming at us, and then look for a track switch to hit right when they’re approaching. To kind of just trip them up.

T.
Fantastic. Would you call that Search, because you’re searching for something?

Omar
Search or Fix, whichever you would prefer.

T.
Since you just did Fix your last round, you cant do Fix again. So that would be Search.

Omar
Okay. Here we go, with two. C’mon, big money…

That is one success, one failure.

T.
No succeses. 1, 1, and 2.

Omar
Oh, my goodness!

So the arm just lurches forward and grabs, like, a lever. And Chuck’s like…

Chuck (Omar)
[Laughs] Okay… Alright, Righty. Go ahead.

Kim
[Laughs]

Omar
And [shhhck] pull the lever.

T.
Are you trying to further the objective, or are you trying to take out these threats?

Omar
I’m trying to take out the threats.

T.
This motorcycle [revs] almost playing chicken with you, charges with a Willem Dafoe-esque man coming towards you, his scarf fluttering behind him. He is ready to come up and just get a clean shot on you, as the pilot of this train.

And right at the last second, the arm pulls the lever. You switch and broadside, the tail of the train whips and [boom] catapults him back into last Tuesday.

Iryna.

Kim
First I must say, I take a moment, viewing through the scope of my hunting rifle, to just admire Nicole, for a second.

Omar
[Laughs]

Kim
Like, the edges of Iryna’s vision go kinda pink. Just watching… She looks so good from this angle.

T.
Mourning becomes her.

Kim
It does! But then I set down my hunting rifle, and I pull out a compact mirror and a tube of lipstick. And I start scrawling some runes on the mirror of my compact. And then I’m going to toss that right as we hit the track switch. I want to try to blow up the tunnel behind us, so we can’t be pursued.

T.
Magic grenade! Here for it. God… What would I call that? Terrify, maybe? That’s scary.

Omar
Mmhmm.

Kim
It is frightening!

T.
Yeah, I’m gonna call this a Terrify. As you whip a cosmetic appliance, and it explodes.

I love that you’re scoping out this girl, and you’re like, I gotta fix my lip. But then that turns into… fixing everyone’s lips.

Iryna (Kim)
Wait a minute… This can be used on both lip and cheek, and for magic rune.

Omar
[Laughs]

T.
Go ahead and roll.

Kim
Would you say that those explosive runes are concealed, considering they are concealed within a compact mirror?

T.
Oh, sure. You’re using concealer!

Omar
[Laughs]

Kim
Yeah! So that’s three extra dice, on top of my 3 Terrify.

Omar
Ooh!

T.
Baller

Kim
[Rolls dice] One success and one crit.

T.
I got one success and one crit as well. But for me, that’s just two successes.

Kim
Alright. So I am going to apply my crit to defense, to knock out your two attack die. And then I’m going to use the last one to advance the objective, as the explosive fires off and causes, like, a tunnel collapse.

T.
As the compact frisbees towards you… Nicole, you leap onto it, step on it, kicking it back into the motorcycle, grab the end of the train. And it [explosion] explodes behind you, causing a cave-in. Some of the motorcycle rides do slip in underneath the falling stalagtite, like bits of Parisian streets, and [zoom] follow you into the tunnel. But the vast majority of them are cut off behind, and careen into the rocks. [Distant pops] Their distant explosions echoing behind you as you rocket further under the streets of Paris.

Nicole.

Beverlee
So I’m hanging off the back of this train.

T.
Yeah.

Beverlee
And I pull this heavy iron door open and close it behind me. And I run up to the front where Chuck is, and I start getting into the mechanics of this thing. And I am just gonna try and overclock it.

T.
Hell yeah.

Beverlee
By some street urchin logic.

T.
Let’s get some 40s nitrous in this. That sounds like Fix to me.

Beverlee
It is! But it’s very low. Which means I’m gonna help Chuck on the next turn. But can I use my gun to help? [Laughs] Is what I am trying to flavor right now.

T.
Yeah! Percussive maintenance, is what it is called.

Beverlee
I’m gonna make up some truths about guns. And I just need everybody to get really cool with that, real fast.

This is me talking to the audience, real quick.

Kim
On this historical podcast?

Beverlee
Yes. [Laughs]

I did Google “gun parts” today! I’m sorry to my algorithm.

I’m gonna turn the bullet backwards in my rifle, to just not have it explode. We’re making this up. To not have it explode. To get my gun really hot. And then I’m gonna help it melt some gears, and change it so it can go faster. Okay!

T.
Phenomenal. Go ahead and roll Fix.

Kim
The science checks out.

Beverlee
[Laughs]

Omar
That’s a real thing.

Kim
Yeah.

Beverlee
That is three fails.

Kim
[Gasps]

T.
That’s okay. That is no successes.

Beverlee
Okay!

T.
But you still pay 2 forward to Omar.

Beverlee
Yes. So I guess whoever uses Fix next, in general, can have two more dice. So Nicole goes…

Nicole (Beverlee)
Alright. Let’s use that beautiful, big brain…

Beverlee
And tries this thing. Goes…

Nicole (Beverlee)
I can always solve a problem with a gun!

[A snapping sound]

Nicole (Beverlee)
Uh… Good luck up there, Chuck! I think I did something!

T.
Flint, it is you.

Cameron
I would like to take up Nicole’s position, opening my wings, and jumping onto the first motorist.

T.
Fantastic. Gonna Brawl him?

Cameron
Yeah. [Rolls dice] That’s three successes.

T.
Grand. That’s one success for me.

Cameron
Fantastic. Then I would like to jump onto the front of the motorcycle, facing the driver, grab both of his arms and then just pull them off and shove him off the bike, as best I can. And try to take his seat.

T.
Absolutely. As you fly, you [fluttering sounds] bullet time around his oncoming fire. Landing on the front fender, and just… [Ripping noise] With two gouts of blood, painting graffiti on the sides of this tunnel. He slumps to the ground. You easily take over the motorcycle, your enormous, hulking form diminutizing it. You look like you’re a circus performer riding a tricycle.

[Kim and Cameron laugh]

T.
So you soak the damage, and… You had two other successes, right? Both of those to the threat?

Cameron
Yes. Both to the threat.

T.
Okay. The scant remaining motorcyclists [zoom] tear after you [gunfire] firing their bullets [ping, ping] clanking off of the train, as you rocket forward. The fear causing grim determination. Their attack increases by one.

Kim
[Weary] Ugh…

T.
As we come around to Chuck.

Omar
As Nicole is like firing the gun at the gun, Chuck is frantically like looking through, like, cabinets and anything just sort of in the conductor’s space. And in one of the cabinets is like a collection of hidden alcohol bottles. And [Laughs] Chuck gets another… Not flashback! But Body Part Memory.

[Everyone laughs]

Kim
Separate and distinct.

Beverlee
A BPM, if you will.

T.
That is my DJ name.

[Flashback harp music]

[The hum of people in a bar]

Omar
To two femme bartenders. And one of them goes…

Femme Bartender (Omar)
You know they ain’t ever gonna let us have our own establishment.

Omar
And the other one, where the left arm kinda comes from, goes…

Lefty (Omar)
You don’t plant trees so you get to sit in the shade. You plant them for future generations. And if they take us down, well… They’ll remember us by our drinks.

[Flashback harp music]

[The rumble of the train and the hum of motorcycles]

Omar
And Chuck like flashes back, and turns to Nicole, pale faced.

Chuck (Omar)
Nicole, there’s something going on with me.

Cameron
[Laughs]

Chuck (Omar)
There’s something really off going on with me.

Nicole (Beverlee)
I’m actually a little attracted to you right now, and that’s new.

Omar
[Laughs] And the left arm creeps a little bit closer to Nicole. Just like perched, like leaning to one side.

Beverlee
She reaches towards it.

T.
[Laughs]

Nicole (Beverlee)
Uh… I don’t know what’s going on.

Chuck (Omar)
What the hell is going… Hold on a sec. We gotta focus, arm! Okay. Alright. Do your thing, I guess!

Omar
And the left arm is gonna start pulling the alcohol, to mix some sort of concoction to pour into our engine fuel line.

T.
Yeah. Turbo fuel.

Omar
Yeah. [Laughs]

T.
Absolutely. Go ahead and roll Fix.

Omar
Great. And it’s gonna need some heat from Nicole’s gun in order for this to really pop off. So Fix, I’ve got 4. Nicole, you just threw me 2, is that correct?

Beverlee
That’s’ correct.

Omar
So I’ve got my 4, I’ve got my 2… Come on, big money… I’ve got one crit, one success, one success… And the rest failures. So two successes, one crit.

T.
I have two successes.

Omar
Just barely! [Laughs] Just from the spirit of our female-owned business!

We pour in our train cocktail. The conductor cocktail, if you will.

T.
I will.

Beverlee
It’s not on the rocks. It’s on the nos.

T.
Into it. I was gonna say “on the tracks,” but yeah.

Omar
I’m gonna go ahead and have that crit just soak in the failure of that, against you T. And then I’m gonna have the two successes rocket this train forward. Liberty is unstoppable.

[Kim, T., and Cameron laugh]

T.
As Nicole jury-rigs a bullet wrench, she shoots open a compartment that you recognize immediately as the fuel injection pneumatic tube. Mixing this cocktail together, you drop it like a depth charge down into the bottom, and a torrent of flame rockets out the back of this train. [Flame rocket sounds] Shooting it forward, like a bullet itself.

That is Iryna, holding onto the roof of the train, as momentum increases.

Omar
[Laughs]

Kim
You know, I’m getting tired of taking the train.

Beverlee
[Laughs]

T.
So pedestrian.

Omar
Fair.

Kim
One of the motorcycles, devoid of its rider, is rocketing towards the back of the train. I’m going to hop off of the train and get onto the motorcycle. Riding it, inexplicably, side saddle.

T.
Incredible.

Cameron
[Laughs]

Kim
And then I’m gonna pull out my cavalry saber.

Cameron
Ooh!

Kim
My ancestral sword. And charge the remaining motorcyclists.

T.
It’s giving Final Fantasy VII. I’m here for it.

Omar
[Laughs]

T.
Go ahead and roll Brawl.

Kim
I get an extra die if I’m charging.

T.
Hooray!

Kim
Two successes.

T.
[Rolls dice] One success.

Kim
Alright. My sword goes [shhhck] and just bisects a fascist in half.

T.
Mmhmm.

Kim
Their motorcycle goes skidding. I’m going to reduce your attack by one.

T.
Okay.

Kim
And then I am going to advance the objective.

T.
Grand. The kick of your stilettos off the roof of the train shunt it forward, as well. This I show I’ve decided that you complete this objective faster, is you just make train go.

Omar
Mmhmm.

Kim
Make train fast.

T.
And you can tell that you are nearing the end of these Metro tunnel’s capability. Flint and Iryna, from your motorcycles behind. Chuck and Nicole, in the passenger scene. You can see there is a giant yellow and black crisscrossed flashing sign, indicating that the track is about to run out. You are almost there, as far as you can go. But not quite there, yet. It’s gonna need one more little push.

Nicole, it’s you.

Nicole (Beverlee)
I think we might need a change of seats here, Chuck.

Beverlee
Can I look on the board for a fourth gear, that we can [click click] click into, and then run to the back of the train?

T.
You can find an eighth gear, dude, if you want. Absolutely.

Beverlee
Can I use Search to make this happen?

T.
Totally. Yeah, you’re looking for the little red button.

Beverlee
Yeah.

[Rolls dice] that’s one success.

T.
That is no successes.

Beverlee
Great. As I’m, like, searching. My hand brushes, like a bolt on the board. And I rub it for  second. And it says, “So you wanna go fast?” on it, in French.

[Everyone laughs]

Beverlee
And I press it down, and a little like [hisss] thing, like, pops up from the board. And it has a big red button, and I go…

Nicole (Beverlee)
Moulin Rouge.

Omar
[Laughs]

Beverlee
And I click it. And then I grab Chuck, and we start heading to the back of the train.

T.
I love that. So you’re applying it to the objective?

Beverlee
Yes. Apply to the objective, please.

T.
You punch this little rouge button, and… [slow motion sounds] The train seems to stop as the rest of the tunnel [hums, whirrs] blurs and [zips] elongates. There’s a moment of pause. Of light, gravityless-ness. And then the next thing you know [zip] the train is at the station. The air, displaced by its travel, [zoom] creates reverberating tunnels. The remaining motorcycle-riding Nazis are catapulted back.

[The echo of the Metro tunnel]

T.
But due to your bulk, Flint, you hold on and careen into the station. Going up the open door that Nicole ripped open, through all the cars, and right into [breaks squeal] the station. As Iryna, your momentum from the severed wrists of this Nazi slowly careen you to a graceful halt. [Gentle breaks]

And you’ve reached as far as you can go in these Metro tunnels.

[The Parisian city streets]

T.
You all ascend the steps. Night has fallen fully while you were underground, as if the sun dare not look at what you will accomplish this night. You emerge near a pop-up display advertising German technology, which has come along leaps and bounds in the last half-decade. And this exhibition hall aims to show that off to the public.

[The hum and buzz of machines]

T.
Banners strung up promise “Die Zukunft der Kriegsführung“ – the Future of Warfare. Security seems to have been redirected to other parts of the city. The place appears to be a ghost town. Experimental fuel sources hum and glow ominously in the darkness of this after-hours pavilion. Informative display boards sing the praises of newfangled alloys and anti-tank technology.

The centerpiece is a deactivated, state of the art quadrupedal weapons platform. It stands proudly in the center of the arena, supported by a cylinder of frosted glass. If you could get it operational, it might make cutting down the arrondissements, a bit easier. Up to you.

Your objective: get out to the other side of the pavilion.

We will begin with Flint.

Cameron
I think I would like to climb up to some sort of raised thing, if there’s anything around, and do a Search roll to scout around. See if there’s anyone crouched behind the bushes, or anything like that.

T.
Sure, sure, sure. Go ahead and give me Search.

Cameron
[Rolls dice] that’s no successes.

T.
You see that the most obvious way to get up is the weapons platform in the center. And using your wings, you [woosh] jump and land on the platform. But as soon as you do… [ka-chunk] your feet touch down…

Cameron
Ope.

[The hum of machinery grows more sinister]

T.
And a spotlight suddenly blares to light, [spotlights turn on] illuminating the place in bright fluorescence. Steel shutters [shutters close] clunk down on many of the exhibits as barricades [whirring noise] rise out of the flagstones.

You hear the hiss of something mechanical off-gassing. [hiss] And a grinding, as the glass cylinder lowers to the ground. The rest of you see, now it contains something resembling a large, muscular man. But its skin has been replaced with steel. Its tendons with pistons. And at the base of the skull, a cable inserts into its spine.

[Lasers beep and boop ominously]

T.
It turns its head to you. [Whirrs] And you see cameras in the corners of the structures likewise pivot to keep you all in their field of view at once.

The colossus’s eyes light up red, and it opens its mouth.

Stahlsoldat (T.)
Stahlsoldat, Online.

[Coffin Drop theme]

Kim
Coffin Drop is a Kitten Marlowe production, edited and produced by Kim Dalton. This episode featured a theme song by Jason Myers, with additional vocals by Amelia Myers. You can find out more about us by visiting KittenMarlowe.com, signing up for our newsletter, or following us on socials. For Discord access, exclusive cast talkbacks, ttrpg materials, and more visit Patreon.com/KittenMarlowe and join Super Byakhee and, all of our incredible Kitten Marlowe patrons, in supporting artist-driven storytelling. Thanks for listening.